In the Beginning
Nine months into starting Treasured Vessels Foundation, I walked into my closet, grabbed my luggage and started packing my bags. I was tired of being belittled, talked down to and treated like I was lazy, worthless to our family. My thoughts sounded a little like, “hello, what is wrong with him? I’m doing the Lord’s work, I’m making a difference, society says I’m great and I’m doing such an amazing thing” and “he must love Jesus less than me. I mean, because I’m being obedient to Jesus, my husband is punishing me because I’m not bringing in an income?” And I was doing all of this while losing my family in the process.
Resentment. Resentment had wedged its way right in the middle of my marriage.
See, the part that most people don’t know is that 21 months before, I was in the pinnacle of my career, top 10% of my sales team in the country, presidents club awards trip for the highest earners, great insurance and a consistent income to support our family as my husband continued to grow and thrive in his business. That was my role, I was a W2 that allow for all our investments and building that the banks required. And my husband was a self-employed entrepreneur.
Since my husband is a builder, and I don’t just mean a regular old builder, but an extraordinarily gifted developer and luxury high end custom homes builder with homes. We had just built our own beautiful home on one acre, had our third baby and the expenses were increasing.
Dec 31st, 2014 I quit that reliable, stable job. The tug on my heart to follow Jesus and find my purpose was too great for me to stay where I was. I left my career. I quit the big paychecks, I quit the nice health insurance, I quit it all in obedience to God.
All without the permission or blessing of my husband.
He’s been my best friend for 15 years. We went on every adventure TOGETHER. We went on date night every week, dreaming together has always been the highlight of our relationship. We had learned the importance of communication and intimacy. We loved to dream together. I completely removed him from the process to dream this time though. And it caused a rippled effect of pain.
I am reminded of Psalm 139 “If I go up to the Heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are still there.” Our Father in Heaven didn’t stop me from making my mess but I could be confident that He was there with me.
“See, when we get married we make a certain promise to our spouse that we will devote a considerable amount of energy, initiative and time into building and nurturing the relationship. It is spiritual fraud to enter marriage and then to live like a single man or woman.” – Sacred Marriage
And that’s exactly what we do as leaders, when we decide to lead in an area that was never designed for us to lead, often time leading and not coming along side the one designed to lead. I passed off the financial torch to him. You may think, what was the problem with that? “Babe! You’ve got this,” is what I would say to him. “I believe in you! I’m your biggest cheerleader.” It looked like a partnership didn’t it?
All the while, he was petrified at times as fear gripped his insides, he knew that his company wasn’t set up to solely support us AND the NEW staff he had JUST hired. What if the housing market crashed again? Then what? So many areas for satan to come in a steal his joy, breed resentment, all because I didn’t consult him first.
But he never really said anything directly. It was more of this slow and sneaky resentment that was building up that was so subtle that even HE didn’t realize it.
Anyone else have a spouse like that? One that’s slow to speak and doesn’t want to ruffle your feathers, in fear of the backlash it may cause. Or maybe you are doing such an amazing job serving others, being a great mom or a successful career woman that how could he dare say, but what about me? What about my needs, what about being my companion and what about allowing me to lead at home?
I dove head first into curling up with Jesus, searching, focused on MY purpose, and MY goals to change the world or whatever it was that God had for me, here I am Lord, SEND ME!! All the while leaving the one that had been chosen for me behind.
I wasn’t present.
In corporate America, I was getting paid for my time away from family. Now he saw it as volunteering my time away from my family. Volunteering my time to be away from him.
In my everyday life running a nonprofit in the space of exploitation and sex trafficking, I have to say all the uncomfortable words, sex, porn and children in the same breath.
But as a leader, the bible calls us to surrender and submit, yikes!
And just when I thought I was being obedient to God, I was dishonoring my husband. Which in turn didn’t serve my God nor my husband biblically. We don’t surrender, honor or respect because they did something to deserve it or in response to how they act. But rather, because God said so. That’s BY his perfect design.
Marriage is not a compromise to our mission before God, precisely because if we are led into marriage, then marriage becomes an essential element of our mission, not our only mission, but at least the front lines from which our mission is launched.
We draw this conclusion because mission includes not what we DO but also what we BECOME. Christianity is one of those rare religions that marries internal reality with outward obedience.
It’s so important to surround yourself with people in your life that can call you on your crap and they love my marriage and my family, healthy community
That day that person was my dad.
So that day with my bags packed and my heart broken and confused. My parents happened to be with us that weekend. And my dad came to us both and said, now you know I don’t get involved in y’alls business…..but when it comes to those grandkids, I WILL get involved.
So we sat down and to be honest, my husband couldn’t ever articulate the way he was feeling. I’m an audible processor and he and I usually talk things out. Believe it or not, we even communicate via email if the emotions are too raw for us to convey. It took about 4 hours to really resolve or at least come up with a plan what damage had been done in the past 21 months.
Where are we today? We are strong, united and are each others biggest cheerleaders. Some days are challenging when we don’t seem to communicate at our best but we know we are FOR each other, that we aren’t going anywhere and that we are going to stick by each other’s side for better or for worse.
– Pick up a copy of Tenacious for more wisdom, inspiration and practical steps to walk out your God given purpose.
